Living with the Paradox of AuDHD (autism and ADHD)

Why self-regulation feels like a full-time job: living with AuDHD (autism and ADHD) is not just a unique neurotype. It’s a daily exercise in navigating contradiction.

What many people don’t realise is just how exhausting it can be to live in a body and mind constantly pulled in opposite directions. To want something deeply, and simultaneously be overwhelmed by it. To crave connection, but avoid it. To need structure, but rebel against routine.

This is the paradox. And it’s relentless.

The nervous system tug-of-war

When you have AuDHD, your brain isn’t “confused.” It’s doing overtime — managing sensory input, emotional responses, executive function challenges, and social nuance all at once. But the real difficulty? The conflicting needs.

You can experience:

💥 Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) AND Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) - you want to be accepted, but recoil at anything that feels like pressure.

🧍 Intense loneliness AND a deep need for time alone - you ache for connection, but solitude is the only space that feels safe.

💬 A desire for meaningful connection AND an aversion to small talk or superficial interaction - you crave depth, but can’t always initiate or maintain it.

🪫 Feeling overstimulated AND understimulated at the same time, bored and overwhelmed - your brain is underfed and overwhelmed simultaneously.

🌍 A deep desire to belong AND a sense of alienation if you’re not masking - you want to show up as yourself, but often feel like you have to hide.

🗣️ So much to say AND an inability to get the words out when it matters most - your mind is rich, but the bridge to expression isn’t always open.

🚪 A genuine longing for connection AND inbox avoidance because responding feels too hard - you care, deeply, but can’t usually show it in neurotypical ways.

💡 Immense creativity and innovation AND executive dysfunction that stops you from starting - you see possibilities clearly but feel frozen in action.

🧍 Needing autonomy AND needing external structure or accountability to function - you resist control but need scaffolding to thrive.

🌀 Intense emotional depth AND difficulty naming or explaining it - you feel everything — but you don’t always have the words.

😶‍🌫️ Being highly self-aware AND still blindsided by burnout - you know your patterns — but sometimes knowledge alone isn’t enough.

The hidden labour of being you

What many people don’t see is how hard it is to manage these paradoxes every single day. It’s not flakiness. It’s not being “too sensitive.” It’s not a lack of willpower or laziness.

It’s trying to regulate a nervous system that is constantly experiencing friction — between need and capacity, desire and overwhelm, drive and paralysis.

And that regulation? It takes enormous effort. Effort that’s often invisible to the outside world.

So what can we do?

If you live this experience, know that you’re not broken, even if the world sometimes makes you feel that way. If you don’t live it, someone in your life likely does — quietly managing this internal tug-of-war while trying to meet the demands of daily life.

Let’s build spaces where complexity isn’t pathologised. Let’s allow for inconsistency, nuance, and nonlinear ways of being. Let’s stop expecting people to make sense in ways their brains simply don’t.

Because supporting neurodivergent people isn’t about fixing them — it’s about understanding them.

And maybe, just maybe, making room for their paradoxes too.

Have you experienced this kind of paradox in your own life or work? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

#AuDHD #Neurodiversity #ADHD #Autism #MentalHealthAwareness #ExecutiveDysfunction #NeurodivergentVoices #Inclusion #Burnout #Masking #SelfRegulation #Authenticity